Living with a person with ADHD
We primarily talk about how ADHD impacts the individual's chronic struggles. But what about the people living with the individuals with ADHD? When one receives a diagnosis, those loved ones are also impacted. Yes, it may seem a little bit like “me, me, me,” but if you dive into the symptoms of ADHD, it has a profound impact on relationships and how people co-exist. The very news of a diagnosis can shake their world and question their sense of reality.
Here are six ways in which living with a person with ADHD creates friction and poses daily struggles. I have interwoven some personal narratives to give you an idea of struggles. Again, because each person differs in their challenges and personality quirks, there is an endless combination of how ADHD impacts when two people come together. This is just the tip of the iceberg. If you are in a relationship with someone with ADHD you will see some resources I have found to be helpful to be of support to you. Know that your struggles living with someone with ADHD are real and any feelings you do have are true and deserve to be heard as well.
Unpredictable Behavior: I cringe at labeling this as unpredictable behavior. As unpredictability has a negative connotation. Which is perhaps precisely why this can put a strain on a relationship. Because to the individual with ADHD, it may not be unpredictable but more so interest-based behavior. However, on the outside, it will seem random novelty-seeking, and decisions and actions will be made without reason. Looking back on some of the realities my presence has created, I was excited about a new home project, pulling my partner into it, but then lost the momentum and completely got started on something else. This can also be labeled as hyperfocus and distractibility (N. 2). Living with someone with ADHD can mean experiencing sudden shifts in attention and focus, as well as fluctuating energies and mental clarity.
Hyperfocus and Distraction: People with ADHD often experience hyperfocus on certain tasks but can also struggle with distraction, making it challenging to maintain consistent attention. In my early days of self-discovery and self-analysis, I most certainly struggled with hyperfocus. I would spend days playing video games, neglecting myself and any personal things that needed attention. Now, I was young and in a relationship that didn’t take this seriously at all. However, my last experience that had a negative impact on the relationship was my absolute hyperfocus on my child's nutrition at age ~eight months. Our daughter was beginning to eat solids, and because of my athletic background and knowledge of nutrition, I understood the importance of micros and macros. However, I became so conflicted and obsessed with creating the right pure for her that it created tensions. Now, in retrospect, it is difficult for me not to get emotional over it because I was willing to jeopardize the family's peace to get the right foods made. I was stressed; all I could think about was preparing food. Simultaneously, though, some tasks, even if so simple in nature, I could not complete. I would get sidetracked, and all I wanted was to make baby purees.
Emotional Intensity: ADHD can lead to intense emotions and mood swings, creating a rollercoaster dynamic in the household. Not being able to follow someone's emotional rollercoaster can be profoundly unsettling. Remember, these emotional, intense moments are due to a structural and chemical difference in the prefrontal cortex. So now you have a person (Susan) together with a person with ADHD (Mark). Susan may believe that Mark is just a hot-headed guy. She doesn’t like it but manages it and, regardless, loves Mark dearly. They get married, they have kids. Mark, getting crushed under the demands of life, begins to have bigger outbursts. Susan is strong and is holding up the fort. They go to therapy together, and they figure out strategies, but something is pulling at Mark. Now, with kids as teenagers, Mark asks the one question that will answer all others. IT was undiagnosed ADHD. Now on medication AND having learned all the tools to maintain a more leveled composure, Mark is substantially more able to support his family peace. Great news for all! However, where does this leave Susan? She has now lived half a lifetime with a man who could have been more leveled from the start, simply because his brain needed glasses but didn’t get it in time.
Impulsivity: Individuals with ADHD may struggle with impulsivity, leading to spontaneous decisions and behaviors that can affect those around them. This is particularly sensitive for couples when agreements are made on finances, planning, and projects around the house. When one, or two, for that matter, struggle with impulsivity, decisions, and actions can be made that can have bigger consequences without the proper safety in place. I believe that in the past, the “ wait, what?” would come up a lot in my relationships because I certainly was far more impulsive than I am now. Having a child certainly is very grounding, and the tolerance for negative consequences is near zero. Reflecting on the past, many impulsive decisions pertaining to myself would have consequences on who I was within the relationship and create friction. For example, unenrolling from a program, dropping a class, or stopping a job. Though those are personal decisions, they still impact the relationship and the co-relationship between the two. Because the divisions are impulsive in nature, there were certainly some regrets and also “what were you thinking?” moments.
Difficulty with Organization and Time Management: Managing daily tasks and maintaining a sense of structure can be challenging, impacting the person with ADHD and those in their environment. This is tightly related to gender roles. Historically, women have stayed at home and managed the household. But put the challenges of ADHD into the mix, and you have a perfect storm. In addition, by adding social expectations and norms to the situation, there is now a perfect storm of messages of failure for women. Equally for the man, though different. A man historically had to stay on top of his work, bring in income, and be the support beam of the family. But what if he struggles to maintain work? What if internal chaos keeps him from being what is expected? Fortunately, in today’s society, our gender roles have immensely improved, but what remains? The importance of organization, both externally and internally, remains absolutely crucial. Time management? If one is blind and unable to manage oneself within a certain amount of time, life becomes one big panic attack. Because of the influx of incoming messages and connectivity, the rate of distraction and the need to manage it all is much higher than ever before. Additionally, the demand for NOW NOW NOW is coming at us from all sides.
Need for Understanding and Patience: Living with someone with ADHD requires empathy, understanding, and patience, as well as effective communication and support to navigate the unique challenges that arise. Too frequently, though, is the sense of running out of patience in the face of relationship struggles with recurring challenges. Living with someone requires understanding the personal struggles of their person and truly understanding how this shows up within their relationship. And let us not forget, each of us, no matter the challenges and journey of life, has obstacles to overcome and triggers to understand. If ADHD is undiagnosed and the symptoms run freely, we have, again, a perfect storm of stress and tension that can rot away the best of relationships if not uncovered and supported.
Resources:
https://www.additudemag.com/loving-someone-with-adhd/