The Impact of ADHD on Relationships: The Most Important Things You Need to Know

As someone who has experienced many ebbs and flows in relationships, the one thing that stood out to me above all else is the importance of communication. If you are reading this and have been diagnosed with ADHD and are in a relationship with rocky ground, I definitely urge you to seek out couples therapy to build communication tools and address your specific needs. I cannot praise the work of a good couples coach/therapist enough.

One of my favorite exercises to do together is to set a timer for 2-4 minutes and talk about something. Then, ask the other person to repeat what was said. See how that comes across? Obviously, do this without heated content.

But let us take a look at what healthy communication actually means.

I take the lessons from coaching. 

Selfless listening is the ability to truly listen to your partner without projecting your interpretation, hopes, wishes, and dreams onto them and their story, feelings, challenges, and thoughts. When we successfully do this, we hold space for our partner's point of view, allowing a few things to happen. 

1) Your partner can express themselves freely.

2) You are able to manage yourself, your reaction, and your thoughts in such a way that you can remain calm and present on what is being said. 

As someone who can re-evaluate certain situations through a clearer lens, namely ADHD, I can confirm that the feeling of being flooded in emotionally laden conversations is pretty much omnipresent. It is debilitating and the very opposite of holding space. Listening at this level certainly requires skills that can be learned, applied, and practiced. It is also based on personal awareness and being able to confidently express those challenges without seeing them as a weakness. Everything starts with the Self and recognizing one's patterns and how we exist in the world.

It reminds me of a line in “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” from Encanto. 

Have a listen:

“Bruno says it looks like rain…

Why did he tell us…

In doing so, he floods my brain…”

And in comes a hurricane…

Components of active listening:

• Staying Focused

• Paying Attention

• Paying Attention to Nonverbals

• Respond to those nonverbal cues

• Mindfulness to the moment

• Being mindful of your response and your word choice

If you can’t remember anything, remember the 3 R’s: Repeat, Reflect, Respond.

Using the starting sentence:

What I heard you say….< fill in content>, is that correct? I want to ensure I understand before we move on.

So, let’s review the obstacles ADHD presents:

Distractibility The worst thing that can happen in a heated discussion is…being distracted. That is the quickest way to tell your partner you are not present and that something else is more important than the here and now. But what do you do when your brain is attracted to several moving things?

Controlling emotional responses to potentially emotionally upsetting things. So, as we have already outlined, this is particularly challenging for individuals with ADHD.

Emotional Sensitivity: ADHD can heighten emotional sensitivity, leading to intense emotional reactions in various situations. This can impact relationships by causing misunderstandings, conflicts, and challenges in handling emotional regulation.

Another one that is common comorbidity to ADHD is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). In a nutshell, you have a profound heightened sense of being rejected when others express any form of feedback and/or criticism. The sentence “It is not personal” doesn’t really apply because, emotionally, you cannot detach your “person” from what is being critiqued. 

Organization and Planning: The disorganization and time management issues associated with ADHD can lead to a lack of structure within the relationship. This might manifest as forgetfulness about important events or difficulty fulfilling commitments, straining the partnership.

Impulsivity and Relationship Choices: Impulsive behavior, a common trait of ADHD, might lead partners to make hasty relationship decisions without fully evaluating the consequences. This can contribute to a pattern of unstable relationships or create difficulties in maintaining long-term partnerships.

The biggest memories of the biggest struggles were 100% due to my undiagnosed ADHD. The memories of feeling flooded and unable to make sense, remember, or truly hear what was being said are still very front and center. The sense of overwhelm, the disorientation that came with the internal inability to separate emotion from facts, was gut-wrenching. Could knowing the tools for better communication present a different outcome? No, but it certainly could have made for more productive conversations and perhaps fostered a deeper understanding between two vastly different personalities.

So what now?

I take these lessons and apply them to relationships across the spectrum. And you know what? It has made me a darn good listener and friend. And I am grateful for the lessons learned in romantic love. Now, it is your turn to be a better version of yourself and grow up more clear-headed in conversation.

Onward and Upward!